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How Can I Forgive You? : The Courage To Forgive, the Freedom Not To Posters
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This book is truly one of the most helpful books I have ever read. My husband had an affair with a friend of mine and we are in the midst of much counseling, etc. I need help with the forgiveness part--both for my husband and my friend. The book speaks about forgiveness choices...Cheap Forgiveness, Refusing to Forgive, Acceptance and Genuine Forgiveness. Because my friend will not take responsibility for her part in the affair, I can deal with it by "Accepting" not her behavior, but the fact that it happened and go on with my life without so much anger. My husband and I are working towad Genuine Forgiveness, NOT Cheap Forgiveness which would ultimately get us no where in trusting one another. Dr. Spring gives precise guidelines to work with using knowledge from her clinical work. This is not just a self-help book. It's real help for people who are truly hurting. Thanks so much.
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There's considerable thought put into this book. It puts many current and widely acknowledged ideas on their heads with reasoning anyone can understand. If you're struggling with relationship issues, this book is for you.
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This book hit the nail on the head with how I really felt in my situation. I only wish my therapist and my husband would read this book. It spells out exactly what a person needs to hear and feel in order to genuinely forgive and reconcile.
This book clears up many of the common misconceptions about forgiveness and is very validating. It's a good resource for both the hurt party, and the offender.
There are four ways to responding to a hurtful offense.
Cheap Forgiveness -which is often granted too quickly, issues are swept under the rug, usually this is done when the hurt party fears rejection and just wants to keep the peace. Issues are not resolved, healing doesn't occur, trust is not rebuilt and resentment builds.
Refusing to Forgive- Refusing to forgive, no matter what the offender does to try and earn forgiveness. Refusing to forgive breeds bitterness and cuts you off from resolving the situation.
Acceptance- This is done when the offending party is no longer around or refuses to show remorse. It's the hurt party's way of healing and moving on and not letting the situation eat them up. Can happen with or without reconciling, usually, acceptance with reconcilliation occurs when the hurt party lives apart from the offender.
Genuine Forgiveness- the most healing, fulfilling form of forgiveness.
It's commonly believed that Genuine Forgiveness is a one-person job. That it's granted unilaterally. Or that forgiveness is unconditional. It's none of these things. Abrahms-Spring talks about how Genuine Forgiveness is a two-party transaction, and requires participation on the part of the offender, as well as the hurt party. Genuine Forgiveness IS conditional, because the offender must earn forgiveness, show remorse, repentance and want to reform. It means the offender must acknowledge the hurt party's pain, show empathy, apologize without making excuses, justifications or throwing in qualifiers ("sorry, but...") and work to earn back trust.
When genuine forgiveness is not earned, all you can offer is a cheap substitute. (Cheap Forgiveness) Genuine Forgiveness occurs when the victim no longer has to hold the wrongdoer accountable for their actions, but the wrongdoer holds himself/herself accountable for their actions.
Forgiving is not an all-or-nothing type of thing. It's a common myth that someone needs to forgive 100% or not at all. Not true. You can forgive 5%, 95% or any number above or below, or in between, depending on your situation.
The writer also teaches you how to forgive yourself.
There are many references to infidelity in this book, but this book is good in helping one to forgive any type of wrongdoing or betrayal.
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This book is very helpful to anyone who has been hurt deeply in a relationship. The book is not just about affairs. It is helpful for both the offending party and the victim. Well - written and easy to follow with advice that is easy to put into practice.
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Forgiveness is not always as easy as some would like to think. For those who have been victims of a deep hurt, this book provides insight and a way forward without platitudes and simple panaceas. Through personal experience, I've learned that forgiveness is a process, and that responses to injury are more varied than simply "forgive" and "not forgive." Spring proposes that there are four possible responses, two of which are healthy, and two of which are not. She describes each response in great detail, its benefits and harms, and gives both victims and offenders a road map toward Genuine Forgiveness.
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